Plunged Into A Quagmire

Numerous times I’ve been apologetic in past few weeks for not posting regularly on my blog. But not so much this time. I think to ensure the quality of the posts, I need to dive deeper into the subject matter I’m going to write about and that needs time. Every blog post here reflects my thoughts, learning and experiences. Even when the posts are work of imagination, the inspiration have been drawn from the real life happenings.

Last few days were spent in sheer contemplation. Hefty ounce of my attentive energy were soaked in those thoughts. Neither I could mindfully be present in my classes, nor was I of much help in meetings. These are the regular chores of mine where I should ensure my involvement but I couldn’t. I was being apprehensive of my own thoughts.

I didn’t stop making art thought. It’s my gateway for escaping the reality. Atleast when I’m lost into the excitement of creation, the former thoughts take a back seat. Just when I’m finished, they swoop right back in. I think they’re necessary evil for creators. They’re the inspirations behind my new ventures while they make me enraged of myself at times. Why am I holding them within while I know the way to get rid of? May be because I’m not sure.

So what these thoughts are about? I would let my diary entry from past few days do the talking –

Call it a life hack or philosophy, there’s a sentence I abide by. It says – ‘Either act or forget.’ Simple, isn’t it? So when I had this spectacular view of an ocean before me and a wondrous cheerful city on the back. When all my friends were in joyous mood and I had every reason to be the same, I felt bound. There was a thought that gripped me from fully en-living all this – the thought of you. When the subconscious feelings of one thing overshadows all the rest then you know, there’s something which has come to be of more importance. I needed to deal with it first and that’s what I did. 

When you’re on the receiver’s end of numerous accolades, yet you crave for that one validation then you should know that someone has come to be of more prominence. I had to do everything to seek it and that I did. 

You know how I’ve always explored the realm of conscious decisions, sometimes this heart wants to try out the triviality of life. Just enjoy the uncertainty of the happenings. Just experience the excitement of totally being in the present. I don’t want to even think about the consequences. What’s more important for me is to act.

All these may seem pretty vague. Heck, its even hazy for me too. But my helplessness is disguised in that obscurity itself. As I said – I’m not sure. I did put in my efforts but I doubt if they were rightly channelized. Sometimes when I reflect upon the wondrous moments of past, a part of me says – “shed away these apprehensions. Take the step. Just one more time. You need not overthink. The story still resides within you. What about the selflessness and doing everything irrespective of reciprocation. ” 

While the other part says – “enough on your side. You’ve done what you were supposed to.” And then this quote echoes in mind – “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.” And I’m left hanging between the fights of my own two sides. Somehow the latter have the dominance or may be I’m not sure about the former.

Let me know in comments if you’ve ever been in similar circumstances and how did you freed yourself of your thoughts. How far would you go to make someone realize what they mean to you? Where do you draw the line between desire & self-respect? Are you the one who waits or the one who act without second thoughts? Till the next post, ciao!

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