I feel a little lost these days. Sometimes the feeling is quite intense. It feels like there’s a massive cloud of insecurity surrounding me. The fog is prevalent everywhere which blurs my vision. More than riding, I am stuck in the tide of time.
I was watching Death Note this afternoon, tired of my day ordeal and then I dozed off. The laptop was on, the episode was running and I could hear voices from outside my window. The sun was bright because I had removed my curtains few days ago. But I was able to sleep despite all these.
I have been feeling tired lately. Even simple task suck the energy out of me. When I woke up in the evening, I saw the twilight and for a split seconds my own room felt strange. Why was I lying there? I should have been out with my friends. Why did I miss my afternoon class? And the snacks? Mess would be closed by now. I felt like being left in the woods and not been told what to do there.
I demanded direly of normalcy but I was being suppressed by the unbearable weight of uncertainty. I had felt this before but those were transient. Someone told that the things are more difficult in the moment than in retrospect. I guess it’s one of those moments.
Whenever I come across people who inspire me through their work, I feel a thrust of enthusiasm for a start. And I do that at the moment. I would lay out the plan. I would figure how to move forward but then the next day – right into the woods. I don’t remember what I did yesterday. It’s all like back to square one. As if your entire effort was futile.
I flip through the pages, reading each and every lines yet not having any idea of what I just read. It’s like deliberately staring at the blank pages. I’m reading not for the sake of reading but to count the pages at the end. After all, it’s what get acknowledged. And this troubles me. I’m fumbling for something more significant than just literal meaning of those words. I want to seek coherence that binds them.
This misalignment of my mind and my body is pretty evident in my activities. I look a little lost. I keep staring at the void as if my sight is locked at the thing that doesn’t exist. I feel comfortably numb amidst the noise. They don’t trouble me anymore. But I had always preferred solitude. I hold my silence endearing.
These thoughts make me restless. In split seconds, I feel like running away against my will. But being stagnant was equally posing. I have to move forward. After all when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. I know I’m tough.
Right now I’m just hanging in there in order to live my better tomorrow.
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