Soliloquy of Eloquence

…Relieving myself to catch the breath out of the continual dilemma of thought and action, I thought of penning down my thoughts again with the little acquired eloquence of my conscience.

Pretty easy it is, to just read out the words on the go but simultaneously bearing with yourself a notion of uncertainty of getting its true perception, isn’t it? While the irony is, my pseudo-true pretension of not finding much to write actually forms the content of my writing. The obvious here is again the unrevealed anonymity of your instinct so far conceived as the adorned snippet of nature’s source code with a call to my inbuilt function. phew! it just went too complex but that’s not a problem, after all its just fantasy of my imagination.

Probably, I am bored and exhausted with the usualness of events, with the repetitive visualization of the same surrounding by my ever-anticipating-excitement but tired eyes, with the people around, possessing their usual behaviour of fooling themselves with the false-belief of emotional self-reliancy. May be something is missing in my perception or in them, who knows and who will probe? probably no one and the boredom continues. Writing just presents me with a narrow escape from the extrapolation of easily guessable events and when that writing is for you, ahem! I think that’s enough said.

Sometimes I try with the alternative of Social Medias! well yes, they are still in the option which I try to avoid as much as I can, but its true that they somewhere, sometimes so-called ‘connects’ you to someone but most of the times they are those, whom you readily don’t want to connect with. So, I usually end up editing my profile adding ‘What movies have you watched’, ‘What music have you listened to’, yada-yada, turning my experience into a regret rather than enjoying it!

Sometimes I try to engage myself in work, getting busy with my learning tasks so that I no longer think of the circumstances, sitting in front of my laptop, browsing through numerous websites with the gradual arousal of sense that how less I know about my own world, about our own people whom we live with and I keep digging into that metaphoric well of infinite mystery. But in that too, one usually gets bored after sometimes as you don’t find the enough motivation to continue because the people whose presence motivated you are not there. Their absence acting as if some inconspicuous force trying to bring you back in the world, from which you were making an escape.

Sometimes I try to let the time just pass by, watching movies, songs, comedy videos to bring back my long-lost laughter or reading & writing the answers on Quora – celebrating the intellect of the people, try to connect with that bunch of people who still possess thirst for information and are genuine enough to share their hard-acquired knowledge, sometimes ending up with ‘You have me at that’ type answers, sometimes being sarcastic or going with their intentional pun.

And while I wrote all these, it was 5’o Clock morning and still I was not getting the sleep. Argh! this loneliness doesn’t let you even sleep in peace but ironically itself being perceived as the notion of ‘extreme peace’ . I give it a pause and finally sleep at 7’o clock in morning and then that period of repentance starts when I woke up late realizing that I have missed my breakfast and probably going to miss the lunch too. Its not that I am experiencing it now, it was there before but even this repentance was fun when my friends were there- engaging in the seems-to-be-never-ending conversations of exploring each other’s life, sleeping up late mostly in morning and finally waking up late just to see the friends scolding each other because the receiving end didn’t woke him up. That was perceptible where the usual feeling of having missed the breakfast was suppressed by the cherishable moments of friendship but now even they are not around.

Somewhere something is missing apart from all those obvious, perhaps the experiencing of that underrated pleasure of feeling a supporting hand by your shoulder which cheers you up. Its of that person whom you value the most, whom you really respect and care for and whom your instinct had the direst need for! But somewhere in heart there is a relieving sense brought about with the thought of you enjoying the vacation, with your family members and the dear ones whom you would be probably meeting with after long time bearing a beautiful smile. And its that thought of your smile that still keeps me going strong with my chores because each morning, the sun rays brings with itself the messenger for carrying my prayer meant for the delight and welfare of my family members and you (hope I would not have to write them separately later). Its waking up with the first task of mentally picturing the smile of my parents attached up with yours which (well I am running out of the words here but anyway!) just gets you going without fear.

But there is a catch for leaving you (until my next effort of writing something again) with a sense of positivity- I would probably go home in few days to meet my parents, my brothers and sisters and other family members (well no adjective can describe their care and love). Each day gazing my way of arrival, they seem to be incomparably excited just to have a glimpse of mine and Maa always ready there on each phone call with her usual question- ‘When are you boarding the train?’.  It feels relieving after all its the family and their values that you preserve throughout your life. And while I have presented here just an anecdote of my continual thoughts, its ongoing and I think I would probably keep them for my next content processing, so before signing off just to say- “TO BE CONTINUED….”

 

 

What’s there?

Hey! wake up’ came the sound when someone enthusiastically came to meet my sleepy soul.

Almost baffled, I asked- ‘Who are you?’- ‘Your instinct, we need to talk.’

Despite of all my knowingness of probable reasons still urging me to think of all commitments from way back due to its unusualness, I expressed my gratitude- ‘You came at the time when I needed you the most’.

‘Well you were the one who called me in your unheard voice, the words which you wanted to yell out but remained within yourself’.

‘What should I do, when I can’t tell her but wants her to know?’ -asked my soul, this one sentence coming almost as the gist of all those numerous questions taking rise with an impounding load.

With a grin featuring relaxation of anticipation and having answer, it replied-‘Write it!’

So here I am writing it out for you straight from my soul with a chance of keeping a part of my void ironically filled with your memories.

Pretty philosophical it is, that’s what they said and went away like a train from a platform which it would never cross again, my voice remained seated like that left-out traveler optimistic of catching the lone rider passing by to take him away from that lonely place where once intentionally resided, no longer pleases him. That composed companion together like symbiotic relationship giving out the motivation to take him ahead of all those who left him there. Taking it to the whole new wonderful world of yours where what remains seems to be divine. Getting its senses back, as it starts to live that surrounding comes the beautiful moment where it interrogates its existence.

Each time I feel, I see, I experience and then ask to myself- ‘What’s there’?

Each time I urge myself to move forward, get the courage to face the world but then comes a niche, with the divineness of a pilgrimage brought up with serenity where whole surrounding comes to a halt & nothing else matters when I stand before you. With this implicitness comes the thought again- ‘What’s there?’.

There’s always a beginning. There is so much to express that I get perplexed for a plausible start but anyway I will have to. Each time I begin to write, there’s always some work waiting in queue for its turn so I have to give it a break after all writing for you demands my temporarily formatted hard-disk to think of something worthy. And so, that I have finally extracted the space to compose a creek of whole sea, its 6’o clock morning with me sitting in my room in front of laptop, sun coming up outside with its rays disguised as new hope-new start. With the surrounding still getting over its tiredness, me as a solitary reaper stands with crops around to give something for the ones whom he cares for. Writing for you is easy but more tricky. At the time when I have so much to write, optimizing it for you to stumble upon is really tedious. All the cherished moments of mine with you comes up with intricacies of every single seconds.

I respect you! – pretty straightforward it is & sounds peculiar too but I wish I could have any other word to fathom my care. I refrain from all those activities which could annoy you still I want to, not with your weirdness rather when you will come yourself to spend your free moments. To debate over all those silliness because I didn’t have much to talk, just I wanted the time to pass by without its whisper. And for that respect, I couldn’t get the courage to face you, to see you while you were around or talk to you while I was craving to. You didn’t go unnoticed by my instinct and you won’t go either.

Yes, my instinct! I can feel your presence, I can feel that motivation & courage to face my difficulties when you are around but that courage didn’t work for you, the provider of it. You are the one, each of whose moments I still remember with exact details- when, where, why and all your W’s. But they are few and while I am writing it and thinking about what to write further, I figure out even if I describe all of them, it wouldn’t be enough. I still don’t know much about you while almost one year has passed.

Give me the chance to know you, give me the chance to spend other beautiful moments with you, talk to me, ask me what I wanted to tell, ask me why didn’t you call when you have given the permission to, tell me you need not to fear, give me the chance to make you laugh every time with my words, to make you smile like the one that is on your face now as you go through this post, to bore you sometimes and then coming up with innovative ways to crack you up. Hold it, realise it, accept it- this whole thing is for you, deep excitement, light talks, ridiculing problems, get angry, chide me even if it not my fault, bearing it, getting over it, politeness making me a better person. Know it, admit it, deep breadth, hitching heart, get over fear then ask me ‘there?’ and I would say- – – -‘ALWAYS’- – – – -.